Puzzling

Santa brought a puzzle to our house for Christmas. Only 500 pieces. A painting of birds on a snowy birdhouse. Nice colors. Fun for the family. (Except Brody, who can't imagine why anyone would want to sit around so long and do just "boring stuff.") We are of the straight edge school. You know, separate the edge pieces from the middle pieces and build the frame. Then work on the rest. I like to find groups of colors that I think will go together and work them outside the frame. And every time that I've got my little pile of sorted pieces, I keep searching for more like-pieces. It just seems that the little pile I have surely cannot be enough to make the picture I want to make. And so I spend time looking for the additional pieces that I'll "need" to complete the picture. But many puzzles later, I've realized that I (almost) always have all the pieces required right in front of me. Looking for more pieces in the bottom of the box is a waste of time. It would be a much better use of time to put together the pieces I do have. But I'm just "sure" that I need something else to complete the picture.

Don't we do that in life? We have what we need right in front of us. And yet we search for what we think we need to complete the picture, rather than using what is at the ready to begin piecing together the images of our life. Sure, sometimes a piece can be elusive. (Iris saved the day with this particular puzzle so that it didn't end up being the 499 piece almost completed puzzle.) But you can't really know for sure if something is missing until you put together what you already have. That's kind of what I'm doing now. Putting together the pieces I have - even feeling certain that at least one piece is missing - to see what picture comes together. God knows what I need. And to keep searching for possible missing pieces doesn't get life living. I need to trust His promises that He will supply my needs. He does and He will.

And my God will meet all your needs according
to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
~Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

Light

Tonight was the Christmas program at church. The children all nicely dressed sat remarkably still until their turn to get on stage. They sang their song(s) and appropriately hammed it up. (What is it about a stage, anyway?!) Then the high school praise band took their place on stage and did a few songs. When they started, they turned on three light machines. You know those computer programmed light machines that move in sync with one another and throw moving images around at the ceiling, walls, floors, or faces of anyone who is in the way. Pretty cool equipment for a high school church band!

But, lucky me. I was sitting directly behind the two rows of 4-year-olds and Kindergartners. Their initial response to the lighting was audible! Then they were on their feet with their backs to the stage. The live band members, live singers and giant images on huge video screens were NOTHING compared to the dancing lights. For three full songs, these kids were mesmerized. They were drawn into the light. To them, it was alive. It moved. It changed. It shone. In fact, one of the lead singers invited the children to join the band on stage. The kids didn't care. What was a stage to this wonderful, beautiful living light?!

Suddenly several thoughts came crashing into my head.
       "Unless you are as little children..."
          "Let there be LIGHT!"
     "...Light of the world..."
      "In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
        The light shines in the darkness..."

And I smiled. The children showed me. They showed me the immense joy of simply enjoying being in the presence of the Light. The Light of the world that shines in the darkness, that the darkness does not understand. I don't have to understand the Light to bask in Its glory. To be warmed by its heat. To see what It illuminates. The other stuff that stands in the darkness is insignificant when I focus on the Light.

Of course, the darkness is still there. We live in a fallen world. But His Light Shines. Let the Light of His Love wrap around you and shield you from the darkness. Be comforted by Its warmth. Be comforted by Its presence.

Fearless

"Vivir con miedo es como vivir a medias."

A life lived in fear is like a life half lived.

It's a line from one of my favorite movies "Strictly Ballroom" (Add it to your Netflix list for fun! No, it's not all in Spanish.) And it is current theme that keeps popping up in random convergences in my life this week.

A devotional reading this week included the following: "Seek My Face, and I will share My mind with you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective. Do not let your heart be troubled, and do not be afraid. The Peace I give is sufficient for you." (from "Jesus Calling" - p249 by Sarah Young).

The lines of a new song by Randy Gill read:
      We are not afraid. We are not afraid.
      We will be fearless for You, fearless for You.
      We will be faithful in all that we do.     
      If we step out on the waves,
      or walk through the flames;
      Whatever You ask us to do,
      we will be fearless for You.
     We are not afraid.

It is an admonition given often "Fear not!"

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 (Uh-oh, now two themes intertwine...both fear AND love!)

Can we really be expected to live without fear? Romans 8:15 says "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship." Ok, so I guess we CAN be expected to live fearlessly. But what in the world does that look like? It's not careless. It's not thoughtless. Perhaps it is the act of love outweighing the emotion of fear. Doing what we most want to do (to His glory) but that the thought of doing leaves us feeling the most fearful.

I have one small window of time of my life when I felt fearless. Not some "devil-may-care" attitude, mind you. But truly unafraid even in the midst of huge uncertainty. But things were completely out of my hands - maybe it's easier to trust when there aren't really any options or choices to make. Maybe that's the lesson. Those things that make fear rise up within me - let go. Let them out of my hands. Give them up to the Father. To the ONLY One who can offer true Peace even in the midst of turmoil...that Peace that passes ALL understanding. Lay them at the foot of the cross. And have faith in His faithfulness. Because whatever He asks us to do is for HIS Glory and is not a plan to harm us, but to give us Hope, so today I choose to live fearless for Him.

Love is Pain?

I was going to kill a guy for snoring too loudly, but decided not to. I just beat and tortured him instead.

Human beings aren't capable of that kind of love, sadly. True goodness merely reminds us of how human we are, how incapable. Love is pain. June 6, 2008 9:37 PM

This comment was left anonymously on the previous post entitled "Love." I confess that firstly I felt angry. How dare this person leave such a message without letting me know who they were!? Well, I enabled anonymous comments so that people wouldn't have to have an account to leave a comment. Then I felt sad that they missed the point. As days passed, I realized that they totally got it! Of course we are incapable of complete God-like love. I suppose a few humans have come closer than most. Only Jesus was both God and man and thus able to give us a picture of the love God has in mind. And the commenter is 100% correct. "Love is pain." Jesus loved us to the pain of death. And in His death we are offered the gift of salvation and eternal life with Him the greatest Lover of all time.

Paul teaches us that we are not to use grace as an excuse for sinning. (see Romans 6) I think that the leap to not use incapableness as an excuse for not loving is not so far a jump. As long as I live and breathe on this earth, there will be sin in my life. However, I can choose to NOT pursue it. NOT to blatantly choose it. Pray for wisdom and discernment in my day to day activities to live as God has planned. I can also choose to love. To pursue love. To blatantly choose love. To pray for wisdom and discernment to love as God has planned. As long as I live and breathe on this earth, I will fall short of loving like God loves.

As a woman who is striving to grow closer to Him, a result is that I want to love more and more like Him. I know that I can't and won't be filled up with reciprocal human love. Do I cherish the human love I receive? You bet! Can I count on it satiating my God-created need for love? No way! ONLY God can do that. And it is something that I have to consciously work at daily. There are deep, deep caverns longing to be filled. Ice cream won't do it. Brody's hand won't do it. Iris' hugs won't. Nor a purring cat or loving husband. Trying to let other things fill those cavernous longings will only lead to further disappointment and frustrations. Letting God fill them, now that brings desire. Desire to be in His Presence more and more. Desire to bless Him by loving others the best I can.

To sum up, yes, love is (can be) pain. Yes, we are incapable of complete G0d-love. But do it anyway! Dive deep into the life-love of the Father. And in return, as a response, Love Large!

Love

Ok, you might have to bear with me on this one. The thoughts are not nearly well sussed out enough in my brain, but suddenly I felt the urge to get them out lest they fly away all together.

I've been reading a lot over the past few weeks. All sorts of things. I love reading - always have. But I will often go through self-induced reading droughts because a decent book is like a bag of cookies for me. Once I start, there's no stopping until I'm finished. (Ok, we address the eating issue another time - lol) A recurring theme has been love. Romantic love. Puppy love. Parent's love. Children's love. Patriotic love of country. Learning to love yourself. God's love. All kinds.

What I'm working through right now is (at least one of) the way(s) God's love is supposed to affect us as His people. We love others because He loves us. Period. End of discussion. Not because they deserve love. Not because they want to be loved. Not because they are easy to love. Not because of a joy we receive by loving them. But simply and purely because He loves us. (Do we deserve it? Do we always want it? Are we easy to love? Yep - rhetorical questions all) Some people even act as if they don't want that kind of love. Might even run from it. Turn their backs on it. Be un-lovely to it. Guess what?? They don't get to choose!! God's love pursues. It contends against the things we think we love. Why do we get things so mixed up?!

Yes, as willing recipients of God's/Christ's/Holy Spirit's Love we have many responsibilities. Perhaps we need to look at this one as one of the top priorities. Wouldn't it, couldn't it make things simpler for us. Quit worrying about what some might think. Who cares!!! I'm ok with being that off-the-wall-Jesus-girl-who-loves-without-caution. (Don't anyone get their undies in a bundle, I'm talking about God's love, not anything else...) We spend a lot of time loving people like us. What about the people not like us. What if we spend time and energy loving people that don't accept it? Or push it away? Does that give us an excuse to stop? Um, NO! God's pitcher of love doesn't run out. So we keep getting filled up with His Love-Water so we can keep pouring it on to others. We might feel empty in our humanness, so we have to remember that we get filled up by Him, not the folks around us. And we keep pouring it out. Sooner or later, they're bound to get at least a little wet!! And, hey, they might start to find that kind of God-love refreshing.

What about those who don't "get" God's love? What about those who have turned their backs on it because they think they aren't worthy? Newsflash!! Not a one of us is worthy. Could that be why so many don't drink in fully the love Christ offers? Shame. Ugh!! Another lie the enemy spins so easily. Of course, we don't deserve it. That's why He offers it! His pursuit of us with it via circumstances, His people, and all the other mysterious ways He battles for us can soften us. When we begin to recognize the pursuit, it can spur us on to desire more. But the true power comes in accepting it. That's when lives change. That's when we begin to reflect His love. That's when His love gets to shine! When we accept it for the amazing, beautiful and glorious gift that it is, it can't help but change us. Good grief, suddenly I've got the "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" commercial from the 70s in my head. I guess there's something to that...we can be so quick to share joy and love in something as "worldly" as a refreshing carbonated beverage, but we don't shout it from the rooftops that God loves us? And God loves them? And because God loves us, we love them.

Ok, I'm getting weird (the late hour may have something to do with it). Do something today that shows someone else God's love. Don't let it just be a "random act of kindness." Make it be an intentional act of God-ness. And leave a comment about what you did. (If you received this message in an email, you can click here to get the the actual blog and post something in the comment section.) If you can't think of something, pray that God will show you what to do and when and to whom. This is exciting! I'm praying for you right now as I type that some extra acts of God-ness will be out and about in the world today! Love large!!

Faithful Companion - part 2

The rest of the story...

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. ~Deuteronomy 31:8

Now THAT's faithful! Not only does He promise constancy. He promises to stay with us, humans. Mortals. We who mess up, who sin, who don't live up to the great plans He has for us. And what's more, He chooses to call us friend. Companion. (See John 15: 14) His Holy Spirit dwelling within us - way better than a dog on my chest! Sorry, Phoebs.

Here more words seem to just get in the way of the message. Live today with a consciousness of God as your friend.

Faithful Companion

I miss my dog.

Phoebe would have been 13 this past Easter weekend. When I got her, I was told she was born on Easter...I know that Easter can vary weeks in the calendar, but it's the only way I ever seemed to remember it. Funny. I was sitting in the hospital with Chris sleeping away on Easter this year. She came to live with me on a Thursday. During my single days with the show "Friends" was ever so popular, my group of friends would meet at one apartment or another for an evening of NBC's Must See TV. They helped me name her - so Phoebe it was. I had NO idea how to train a puppy! She chewed EVERYTHING. Shoes. Books. Papers. My students' homework. "The dog ate your homework!! Ugh. I remember realizing that though I thought at that time I was at least semi-prepared for motherhood, (even with no spouse on the horizon) that I was sorely mistaken! From that point on, I preached "Puppy!" to every newly wed couple as they started planning for babies. Seriously, it should be some kind of law that you must raise at least one puppy before you have to take that first prenatal vitamin.

More than once I heard phrases like "a face only a mother could love," "so ugly she's cute," and so on. With her wiry hair and snaggletoothed under bite, I guess there was truth in the words. Living single in the big city, I loved it that she had a big bark. If anyone knocked - or just made noise - outside my apartment door, she'd bark like a 100 pound dog. Fierce or frightened - it was a toss up. But loud, no question. A little over 10 years ago when depression reared it's ugly head and sucked me down into it's black hole, my doctor wisely recommended hospital treatment. I was admitted to a day program. I went in the morning and came home in the evenings. You know, like a job. And, boy, was it ever work! Being that depressed is tiring enough, then add to it all the emotional and mental work done during a program like that. I'd come home like a wet rag. Not that I had any desire to go out and about. Even if I had, I'd have been too exhausted. I would just lay on my daybed that served as a couch in my apartment staring toward the television. During those three weeks, Phoebe would come and lie on my chest with her head on my shoulder or neck and just be there with me. That was exactly the companionship I needed.

In more recent years, my other babies cried "unfair" that Phoebe "liked me more." Poor girl, she'd go sniffing room to room to find where I was and wait for me there. That's faithful. No matter that she didn't receive the amount of affection that she used to when it was just the two of us. No matter that her younger "siblings" pulled her tail and (sometimes) got away with it. She would still search me out and find me. Just to be sure of me, I suppose.

January of this year found her to be suffering most likely from an aggressive bone cancer. In a matter of days she had developed breaks in at least two or three places in her leg bones. With wise and comforting words from my dear brother, I found a vet who lovingly helped me let her go. And tonight I miss her. I'd really like to hear her annoyingly loud bark and then have her come sit on my chest.

Brody's Hand

In a previous post on the other blog, I gave a list of blessings. Most with little or no comment or explanation. Again and still I feel blessed by my son's sweet hand. It is a five, almost six year old hand. Still thick and squishy like a little boy, but becoming bigger and stronger day by day. And as much as I love the feel of his hand in mine, I think I'm realizing more and more that what I love most is his desire to have it there. He still reaches for my hand with his. When I take his hand to cross the street or walk through a busy parking lot, unlike his older sister, he doesn't automatically remove his hand from mine upon reaching our destination. We hold hands as we walk back home from taking Iris to the bus stop, and then again when we go to pick her up. He holds my hand for a moment after I pick him up from school as we head out of the parking lot telling me about his day. Today was his last day of pre-kindergarten. Next year he'll ride the bus with his sister and I won't have the luxury of those daily mama and her boy moments.

I tell him often that the feel of his hand is one of my "most favoritest things." The other day after that repeat discussion, I asked him if he'd please still hold my hand sometimes when he's a grown up man and I'm a little old lady. He looked me right in the face and smiling said he would. I believe him!

Don't you think perhaps it is a bit like the Father when we choose to come into His Presence? Yes, He's always glad to see us, but even more so when it is in moments of our desire to just be with Him as opposed to coming with a long list of requests or complaints. To put our hand in His, saying, Father, I choose to be with You right now. I choose Your Love. I choose Your Presence. Don't you think His heart might just pop with joy as a warm smile crosses His face? See, that's why I love to lift my hands in worship. I'm not sure what goes on in the minds of others, but for me, it's like the toddler running across the yard giggling with joy at the sight of her Papa and saying "Daddy, I'm here! Pick me up, so I can be closer to You!"

Missing

All those days of writing during my husband's health crisis. Then to just stop. I've missed it...the writing, that is. Perhaps I missed only the connection of knowing that people I know and love - as well as others I may not know at all - were taking the time to get a glimpse of my life. Perhaps it was the freedom that a time of crisis gave me to say what I really wanted to say. Perhaps it was getting feelings from my heart and soul and giving them words and a place to live outside of me. Perhaps it was an egocentric mindset that remembers the accolades of others towards my writing. Perhaps it is the vanity in me that choses to believe them. Perhaps it is all that. Or none of that. Or something else altogether. The bottom line is that, well, I've missed it. Maybe I do have something to say that others can find encouraging. Or maybe I just want a place to vent. My own little podium at the town square. (You know, that was one of the things I often said I liked about teaching high school kids - on a good day, I had a captive audience that would change every hour on the hour. If my routine was up to par, it was a blast.)

Here the topics will range from whatever to whatever. Here I will speak freely of the Joy and the LIFE that the Lifegiver showers upon us. What we chose to do with that Life, well, friends, that is the question isn't it?